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Faith or Fear

What happens when women walk in faith? I wish I could tell you from my experiences. I wish I could tell you about all the times I prayed without doubting and God answered my prayers. But you see, I’m not Ruth, I’m Jonah.

In my head I know that God is capable of doing wonderful, miraculous things. I have seen Him do it. I have seen prayers answered in my life, and the lives of people I’ve prayed for, but still I doubted. That’s why when God told me to leave my job I resisted. For three and a half years I disobeyed.

I’m not saying that because I’m proud of it. I’m saying it because it’s true. My fear of taking of a chance – okay, a big risk – was such that it kept me in a job where I was unhappy and bored. I knew it was time to leave, but I was too scared. At the same time, I was encouraging others to take chances and do what they loved. I was such a hypocrite.

I’ve had a dream of being a writer since I was twelve, yet I had never pursued it with any fervor. In my head I kept hearing the words, “Writing is impractical. It will not pay the bills.” Instead of leaving my job to write full-time, I sent out countless resumes seeking employment with other companies. Nobody called.

The enemy took it as an opportunity to tell me how pointless it would be for me to leave.

“You’ll be starting over,” he said. “You’ll have to prove yourself to everyone. You have a good reputation here. People know you.”

I was at a crossroad: do I choose to have faith or do I continue to live in fear?

To learn more about my journey, keep reading over at The Journey.

I chose fear. I let the enemy convince me that I needed the income to support myself and my family. What I was really saying was that God was not faithful. Oh, I used other words, but that’s what it boiled down to.

In 2016, we got some big news: the contract that I was on would not be renewed. We were all going to lose our jobs in a year. The last day was going to be September 29, 2017.

I was conflicted. On one hand I would be able to leave without it being my fault, but the question of a new job was still not resolved. I argued with God furiously and repeatedly. He didn’t budge. “I will provide,” He assured me. “I am Jehovah-Jireh.”

If I were to go into every detail of those twelve months this would be a very long story, so let’s fast-forward.

I began to anticipate being a full-time writer (at least for a little while), when things changed. The client that bailed on us now wanted a six-month extension, then they renegotiated for a new contract. My job was officially secure for another three to five years.

September 29 came and went and I was still there.

It was at that point that something about 3 ½ years struck me as significant. August 2018 would be four full years since my call to leave. God had been beyond faithful, patient and kind, but I felt on the verge of his judgment. I’m surprised that I’m able to write this because I feared, at that time, that if I did not obey I would be dead.

I handed in my resignation and dealt with the fallout. I don’t think anyone believed that I was going to leave. I had been talking about it for so many years that my words had become empty. If my fear of staying had not become greater than my fear of leaving, I would not have left.

If I could talk to my 2014 self for a few minutes, this is what I would want her to know:

1. God is faithful. That thing you’re worrying about? God already knows about it and He has a master plan, a backup plan and a five-year plan in place. He is a much better planner than you are because He has access to all the facts and knows all the variables.

2. Obedience is better than sacrifice. I know that stepping into an unknown future is scary. But what if that chance never comes again? God wants us to be obedient. He wants us to lean into our love for Him by doing as He asks us to do.

3. Take a chance on yourself. Too many people spend their lives looking over the fence at other people’s lives and wishing for what they will not work for. Give yourself a chance to do the thing that you love. It may not work out as you expect it but when you use the gifts that God has given you, the rewards will be eternal.

As it stands now I have been home since February 1, 2018, God has shown me that He is the one who takes care of me. The bills are paid. There’s food aplenty. He’s answering prayers even before I pray them. I’m learning to walk by faith and not by sight. Is it easy? Definitely not. But these days I’m less of a Jonah and more of a Moses in the wilderness. I don’t know how or where this story will end.

As I continue to walk with Christ I hope my story will be more about faith and less about fear. I’m still apprehensive about what the future holds, but today I choose faith. What choice will you make today?

Faith or fear – you can only choose one.

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