One day when I was about five years old I burst into the room to tattletale on my brother when I was stopped by a strange man with mother. The words "Get out" startled me and I ran out of the room. Later on that night my ' daddy' hit my mother with a chair.
Who is my father? What is a father is the more accurate question. The first 8 years of my life I called one person 'daddy', but I did not have warm loving feelings. That man was the first and the last man I ever called daddy. Daddy had a kind face whenever he spoke to us, but one day he was there and the next day he was gone. My mother replaced 'daddy' with the ugliest man I had ever seen. He was not only physically unattractive but he was mean and had a depraved indifference to my sister and brothers.
My life was void of a loving father.
I nicknamed him 'devil incarnate '. Our entire family lived under the thumb of the devil incarnate. He was mean, cruel and crude. My mother loved him, so she turned her head from ways. She was in her own world not paying attention to us because she needed him to survive.
Life was very hard. I soon found out that every one of my siblings were half-siblings. I had five brothers and one twin sister. The daddy I knew wasn't my father. No one really knew their fathers. Fathers were missing in everybody’s life. We were all lost and alone. With no father around I was just a black girl in this world unprotected and and unloved. When I turned 19, I moved out and six years later got married to the love of my life. He became the father of my only two children.
Even though my childhood was void of a father as far as I could remember, I sought God. I wanted to know Him, but was not quite sure why I was drawn to Him and what I needed from Him. I knew I did not have a father, but I did not seek God the father. I did not know that maybe I was looking for a father. Was I? I experienced a ‘daddy’ that disappeared, and a father figure that was a monster, so when I heard about Jesus, the God-like figure that died for my sins and the sins of the world I was baptized right away because I wanted to be cleansed so I could feel loved and protected. As a matter of fact, I was baptized a total of three times, each time not quite sure if I was truly cleansed. I was looking for ‘daddy’.
Unfortunately, while Jesus was the answer to cleanse me of my sin, I still did not know that I needed God to be my Father. I accepted God the Son, but not God the Father. If God was the ultimate Father who loved me, “Why would God allow a scrawny little nothing of a girl encounter so much pain and neglect?” That was the question lingering. “Why was I not given a loving father?”
Throughout all this, I lived my life loving church, my husband and my children, but still harboring anger and disappointment deep in the recesses of my heart. I went to church, studied the bible with women and taught my kids God’s word. I taught women the basic message of salvation - nothing more. I never really focused on the reason God sent his son. Eventually, I came to a crossroad in my relationship with God. I felt terribly alone in this world and suddenly I needed to know more than the God that took my sins away, I needed to know the God that knew my story.
Did God just send Jesus to die for me or is there more to this story? I was forced to decide if God was real to me. I took a long hard look at God, the father. What did that mean really?
I became depressed and uncertain about life and its meaning. I struggled to see myself. In the midst of all my searching and pain, I felt his presence though I was not quite sure what that presence was at first. I would often cry until I was so exhausted that I fell asleep. I cried for everything and everyone. I even cried for the little girl that did not belong anywhere. The tears subsided and I began to take long walks just talking to God. I studied the cross, reading about it over and over again. God, the Father, sent Jesus, the son, to die on the cross to give me life. He gave me life.
According to Webster Dictionary, a father is a person who exercises paternal care; male parent; person who takes responsibility. I did eventually meet my biological father when my son was about 5 years old and my daughter was 13 months old. I found out that I was an outside illegitimate child. WOW! The father figures in my life took away my life and made me feel unlovable, but God the father gave me life and showed His love. All I had to do was embrace it.
God is my Father I have been searching for. All those years, I yearned for a father, God was already there.
No matter where I turned I belonged to Him, no one else. God is my father.
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